Today was the first day of classes, marking the beginning of the spring semester. The past few days I’ve been attempting to get excited about this semester and everything God has in store. But for some reason, every time I try to think about the next four months, I find myself facing a giant blank void. I spent so much time praying and thinking about what to do next summer, that I forgot to spend any time praying about God’s will for my spring. After an emotionally and spiritually charged season of my life, my natural reaction is to ask “Now what?” I spent so much energy pushing through the end of last semester and all of my Christmas break, that I came out the other side dazed, confused, and unsure of where I was running to all this time.
I’m trying to believe that God is going to do big things this semester even though I have no concept of what those things could possibly look like. I am desperately trying to avoid the rut I find myself in so often. When I don’t find a satisfying answer to the question of “Now what?” I sink into a familiar apathy of passing time and doing activities without understanding why. When I lose sight of my purpose within God’s plan, I lose any conviction to keep going and give up before I even begin. Mumford & Sons’ line from “I Gave You All” regularly resonates with me: “If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won.” I know what it’s like to drown in apathy and depression, and that is not how I want to live.
Intellectually, I know that God has a plan for my life and even for this semester, even if I don’t understand it yet. But here I am again, asking that always terrifying but sometimes paralyzing question, “Now what?”
When I find myself with wrestling with confusion or uncertainty about the future, I reread my favorite book: Just Courage by Gary A. Haugen, the founder of International Justice Mission. I know I should turn directly to Jesus, and I often do, but sometimes in the midst of my ennui or fear, it’s hard for me to see what is right in front of me, and I need a little help getting there. When that is the case, I open up Just Courage. It’s an excellent book that I would recommend to anyone, especially if you’re uncertain about God’s call on their lives. He addresses these “Now what?” moments of our lives, saying that this voice we hear is “divine restlessness, sacred discontent, and a holy yearning for more”. This resonates with me deeply. I understand that God has promised an abundant life, but I have trouble reconciling that idea with the life I am actually living. In the book, he continues:
“For Christians the question Now what? finds its answer in the question For what? For what purpose have we been rescued and redeemed? In order to know what is supposed to come next, we must have a clear understanding of the ultimate destination of our spiritual journey.”
What is the destination of my spiritual journey? Is it just to live some comfortable, peaceful life in a relationship with Jesus? That sounds nice, but it doesn’t satisfy that divine restlessness within me to do more. I may not always understand God’s specific plan for my life in a season, but His divine calling never changes. He has called me, the redeemed, to restore His world to Himself though His divine power.
I am weak and vulnerable and clueless. And right now I am experiencing that weakness in a very profound way. I don’t feel like I can do anything this semester of any worth. But 2 Corinthians 12:9 tells me that His power is made perfect in my weakness. I can’t lose sight of the mission He has entrusted me with, to be the light of the world and reflect Jesus in every facet of my life, even if I don’t always understand what He is doing.
I have no idea what this semester is going to look like. But I trust the God who put me here, and I believe that His grace is even sufficient for me. He will guide me every day and do extraordinary things through me when I depend on Him and step out in faith.
❤ Lizzy
Storytime With Lizzy 